


Linger

by oreenji



Category: Kagerou Project, Mekakucity Actors
Genre: F/M, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Loss, One Shot
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-12-14
Updated: 2015-12-14
Packaged: 2018-05-06 16:09:02
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,669
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5423444
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/oreenji/pseuds/oreenji
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>''It happens you know. Loving someone this much does happen."</p><p>This is a story of how he lives and breathes when she has stopped.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Linger

**(morning - 3 .00 am)**

 

_A wall, think of a wall, a dull gray wall._

 

Shintaro pried his eyes open to stare at the ceiling above him which was dark from the time of the day. He didn't want to return the world behind closed eyes. He didn't dare. His eyes ached to flutter shut but his mind was running wild with little imps called memories.

 

How was sleeping like before everything had come apart for him? Well, he never had to picture walls to empty his mind. Empty his mind of all those malicious regrets that poked and prodded at his head.

 

**(morning - 6.32 am)**

 

Orange embers peeked through the blinds of his room rousing Shintaro who was back to sleep on his bed. He awoke from the dreamless sleep he had, one that he was thankful for. But, I suppose it was too soon to thank. Opening his eyes made him remember terrible things.

She wouldn't be there to pester him about smiling more. He couldn't help her with school work and watch her perform a careless mistake before his eyes (with endearment he didn't dare to admit).

 

He couldn't see her anymore.

 

Shintaro couldn't return to sleep anymore. He turned to his side on the bed and glared at the rays of sunlight.

 

_You should smile more!_

 

The glare he had painted on melted. He felt his lips trembling so much and his eyes drifting to the sides. Shintaro felt so raw and vulnerable. Loss gripped him tight but Shintaro wanted it to bust off.

 

**(afternoon - 12.12 pm)**

 

It was the 6th day he had missed school.

School was a chore for him. He didn't think the lessons were necessary for him. What the teachers taught felt rudimentary to him. School wasn't so much of a chore that made him not want to go though. He had looked forward to meeting them. A gentle senior and another hostile one that enjoyed teasing him. Especially the unconfident but good classmate that nagged at him.

 

 _Even someone like me can have friends_.

 

That was in the past.

 

School was a torment now. If he were to go, he would end up with more aggravated wounds for school was like salt. He was plastered with scars already.

 

_I DROVE THEM AWAY_

 

Shintaro slapped himself. He was standing in the middle of an empty playground that would have been brimming with children if it weren't a weekday afternoon. From standing, he dropped to the ground, uncaring of the soil beneath him. His head was pounding from all the blame and regrets he had encapsulated in a tidy place in his mind from morning.

 

He shouldn't have listened to his mother who told him to go for a stroll. He honestly shouldn't have. His eyes desperately shot to the sky as if trying to find an escape because gravity felt too heavy for him. His eyes caught sight of the swing at a corner.

 

It was old and mildly rusty, a swing that existed since his childhood. He hadn't bothered playing with it ever since middle school. 

 

But she came. She begged him to come. He followed.

 

_"Could you push the swing for me?"_

_"Push it yourself," he coldly replied._

_"Please, please? Pretty please with a ton of rainbow sprinkles and waffle sticks."_

_"Aya-"_

_"Please, please, plea-" and she went on till he relented._

_He wondered to push by her back or by the chains at the side. He reached to touch her back but pulled back again. He felt some odd tingling feeling from that quick touch and didn't dare to explore that feeling._

_With red cheeks and his ever averting eyes, he tugged at the chain and pushed again._

_She giggled excitedly the higher she got and Shinataro hadn't realised how much he was grinning._

 

Now, he hadn't realise how much he could miss her. It bloody hurt that he could never have that happiness with her again.

 

_I drove her away._

 

He swore this would be the last time he would step out of his house because of how dangerous it was. Everywhere was dotted with memories that made living unbearable.

 

**(evening - 5.10 pm)**

 

Red, like the rays that circled the setting sun. Red, like the muffler she always wrapped around her neck, rain or shine.

 

She was like the sun.

 

Shintaro never realised how much he had relied on her to see. It fucked him up how exaggerated and clichéd his thoughts were.

 

_You can't live without her? What is this? The 8 pm drama Mom always watches?_

 

Red, like the frustration and anger at her having left like that.

 

He sat cross-legged in the middle of his room glaring in the direction of his windows, with the blinds still down, once again. He hated that he missed her although she had left him like he didn't matter. When she did, she had gouged out a huge part of his heart and brought it to her grave leaving him behind close to becoming a walking corpse.

 

Shintaro knew he was rough. He would always harshly tell her off each time she slumped from her lack of self-esteem. (because he knew she was better than what she thought she was, better than him)

 

He knew he seemed unkind, shaking her hand off when she tried to hold on to it. (because he was a liar who didn't know how to accept the feelings in his heart) 

 

He knew he seemed like he didn't care, walking faster than her, making her chase after him. (but really, if anything, he cared for her more than anything but he didn't know why he acted that way)

 

"Why couldn't you have told me?" He questioned with a very evident tone of agony.

 

Slap, to make him realise what an idiot he was. Scream, to make him think harder. Anything, just not leaving for good to make him discover all these when it's clearly too late. The tears he had forbid from releasing, escaped. He grovelled his head into his legs and wanted the terrible things to stop bothering him.

 

Shintaro knew that when he released all the hatred and anger, all that was left was an empty child that was hopelessly yearning.

 

His head buried deep, he remained in that position for a while with wings of blame flapping at his head and back.

 

**(night - 9.56 pm)**

 

Night time consisted of an unfinished meal and inner conflict. Shintaro thought to himself, what do I do now?

 

He turned to the scissors on his desk, and the computer.

 

_What do I do now?_

 

People live because they have things they want to do.

 

Shintaro didn't have anything he wanted to do anymore. He had lost sight of what he wanted. What was he studying for? What was he going to school for? What was he living for? He had something to look forward to in an unattainable past.

 

He had wanted to share more meaningless conversations with her. He had thought of bringing her to the ice cream shop that Momo had given him free vouchers to.

 

_"Take her out okay," she slyly smirked, to which Shintaro reddened like beetroot._

 

"I've had enough of feeling. What's the point?"

 

He grabbed the red-rimmed scissors and exposed the blades to his fair untouched wrist before pausing.

 

_This is pointless._

 

He switched to the computer and began to mindlessly surf the net.

 

He read random wiki pages, went onto forums,  and finally settled down on Niconicodouga, listening to countless of covers and vocaloid songs. Listening to the songs had the same effect the walls had on him. It stopped the haunting. His mind was soakewithin relief.

 

Of course, it didn't last. Thoughts slowly made its way in eventually.

 

The scissors laid nearby, the bright red rims glaringly appealing. Shintaro knew he still had Mom and Momo. He knew he wasn't alone. He knew.

 

However, he couldn't resist it.

 

**(night - 12.01 am)**

 

His bed was a mess. The blanket was pushed to a side because it never seemed to tuck him into bed well enough. His bolster was thrown off the bed because it never felt right between his arms and legs anymore. His bed sheet covers were partially tucked out due to the constant fidgeting of an extremely bothered Shintaro.

 

Thinking, reflecting, regretting and repeat. All these had worn Shintaro out. He blessed the weariness, in hopes he would go to sleep soon, and stares at the cracks of his ceiling. He was suddenly reminded of the one summer camp they had in their first year of high school. The cracks resembled the surreal constellations they saw on one of the nights as they laid on the meadow.

 

_"How is this even real? This place is incredible!"_

_"You see that somewhat blue and white star? You know the really bright one? That's Vega, also known as our Orihime."_

_"Seriously? How can your brain contain so much information? Even constellations?"_

_"Well, it's probably just this constellation. The back story that follows it is baffling, how Orihime and Hikoboshi can stand waiting for each other for so long each time."_

_''It happens you know. Loving someone this much does happen," she turns to stare at him earnestly._

 

A realisation jolted him then. He took a sharp breath. And another. And he broke into an uncontrollable sob. He felt so wronged and wanted to start all over again. Right from the start when she first greeted the warmest hello to which he as lethargically as ever greeted back and her surprising him with more warmness that seemed foolishly kind.

 

_I loved her, even then when the stars were shining, I loved her._

 

And he still did, but he knew she would never know and he could never redeem himself.

 

(But Ayano never blamed him because she loves him very much and it would be a long time before he knows. And when he knows, he wouldn't be thinking of walls to coax himself to sleep.)

**Author's Note:**

> This is a somewhat personal piece but I painted a kinder ending  
> (because I believe in ayashin).


End file.
